Vortext Portal Poncho

Vortext Portal Poncho

Regular price $80

Portal. Also works as a hooded blanket.

Seamlessly travel between times, dimensions, attitudes and outfits. No batteries required. Guaranteed to work. Powered by ancient runes.

Tired of feeling stuck? Where you are, where you're not. In a bad mood. With a body part you don’t like. Or maybe you’d simply like to travel backwards and forwards through time. Because you’re a rockabilly at heart or maybe because YOU’D like to invent the phone not Alexander Graham Bell. It doesn't matter. The point is you feel stuck because you are stuck. I felt the same way. That’s why I invented the Vortex Portal Poncho which uses a patented pattern of runes dating back to the Viking Age to achieve interdimensional fluidity. IT’S LIKE TIME TRAVEL BUT BETTER!

My patented pattern of runes—a  Pasley family secret thought to be lost forever was discovered by me in the bottom of a cascading pool of water fed by a burbling spring on a full moon evening on the day of the summer solstice on a recent trip to Sedona, Arizona—when applied to a custom @nomadix Space Poncho can be used to move fluidly between various states, times, dimensions and outfits. Fluidity. Transformation. Be your own vortex. Also, Blanket-Tech.


Blanket-Tech: More than reliable transportation or a destination or extensive provisioning, any Performance Journalist™ worth their salt requires for success in any endeavor or pursuit only a quality Wool Blanket. Wool blankets can be fashioned into a jacket, as in a capote, or a cloak or cape. They can be used to wrap and therefore protect your valuables during travel as well as camouflage said valuables regrettably but necessarily left overnight in a car in a dimly lit motel parking lot. In place of an otherwise useless cotton towel pre-and-post hot spring, swim hole, hobo slap, etc. As a bedroll, a napkin (albeit an oversized napkin), a pillow, a sack or makeshift bag, a brightly colored and nicely delineated picnic or lunch spot, for love-making, in defense against nearly feral or overly habituated animals, a lightweight saddle alternative, fire containment and for bivouacking and/or enhancing an otherwise primitive shelter. For wound care and poultices. Protection against the elements like dust, wind, direct sunlight, etc., as well as volatile and/or tempestuous weather. Insulation be it fixed, semi-permanent or temporary. To appear Period Correct if which period is the whole of the 1800s. A blanket and/or ad-hoc burrito-style mummy bag. And finally, if need be, they can be soaked in various nutrients, broths, herbs and tinctures for later oral or topical application.

Vortext Portal Poncho
Vortext Portal Poncho